Amazing Shiur Tonight - Rabbi Rietti

I went to an excellent shiur tonight on the topic of dating. Maybe more because I was actually more ready to 'hear' it more than ever before...

I will copy over my notes, even though it was better to 'be there', but I gained so much from it, I didn't want you all to miss it...Please excuse the non-sequitors. There is more I wish I'd have written, but alas...:)

First he walked up to the podium and asked us all what one should look for in a partner/spouse.

The top 10 things.

The audience starting calling out answers.

Things like: respect for others, honesty, kindness, responsibility (financially and otherwise), ability to apologize, similar health interests, hygience, attractiveness, chemistry, flexibility, down to earth, etc...

(Before you read on, what are some of the things you would put on your top 10 list?)

Then Rabbi Rietti said "Imagine you found someone who had all of these things, and over the test of time and in various situations you found they still rated a 10 on all of the items you listed that you were looking for. Would you want to marry them?

(What would your answer be?)

The audience remained mostly quiet, a few people answered yes.

He said imagine they are everything you are looking for, (including any options of reasons you could come with that would be issues, imagine they are everything you are looking for) would you marry them? More answered yes.

(just "shows to go" that a LOT of us sitting in that audience both want to get married, and fear it....in my opinion...)

Finally he asked, if you married them at that point, would that gaurantee that you would have a happy marriage?

People seemed unsure that it would. "No", we mostly agreed...

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because of 2 reasons...." one or more of the members of the audience shared in their thoughts that:

1) People change. Noone stays the same. Can anyone say they are the same person they were 5 years ago? 5 months ago? Does anyone know anyone who married the exact same person they are still married to? So even if we are entirely happy with the person we marry, they can ultimately change.

and

2) Circumstances change. Eg. You married someone adventurous or stable, and he/she lost their job or their abusive parent died and they stopped being independ and adventurous and became depressed.

And when life happens and he has a different way of raising the kids than you do, issues of vacation, where to live, where to send the kids to school, how to raise them, how to deal with day to day issues arise, there can and will inevitably be differences, because there are 2 separate people in the picture, and they have different ways of doing things.

Rabbi Rietti explained - "Circumstances don't shape us, other people don't shape us, they both reveal us. The point is not how similar we are to another person, but in how well we can get along with the differences.

The real question we need to ask, is not if things are going to be hard, but that when you aren't compassionate or supportive, when things are hard, what will come out of me when you squeeze me?

When the person is bring out a difference from you, do you react with compassion and understanding of their needs? Or defensiveness and friction?

If so, can we think - is this about me or is this about something that's hurting YOU (the other person) deep inside that I need to learn to better understand you and your needs through? Can learning where you are coming from and why you are behaving in this way show me that this has nothing to do with me, and is how you are because of how you were raised, or some other reason? Might learning that open my feelings of compassion and perhaps even bring me to admire you for not being worse after all you have been through?

Or is my reaction to react, defend, attack, be sarcastic, put down your view...etc?

No matter how wealthy or famous someone is, they are missing something deep that's lacking in their soul, a need that is not fulfilled until we are 'seen for who we are' and appreciated for it. We are all craving that, and who we are on the most deep level is our Tzelem Elokim. This is what we crave most deeply inside, to be known for our truest deep selves.

Actors are famous for who they are NOT. We see them on the streets and relate to them as we saw them on screen, they are so famous and yet they are missing people seeing them for who they are. They crave to be seen.

We all crave to be seen.

To be seen for our most true inner self, we need to act like G-d. To be kind. We need our spouses, friends, family to see us acting in a G-dly way.

The most important of all the qualities in dating is kindness. Because being kind says to the other person indirectly without words that "You exist in my life and I enjoy helping fulfill your needs. I want to spend time with you and be focused on what I can do for you. Kindness encompasses all the other good traits, because to be kind you must have respect, recognize differences in others, listen, hear what they need and feel, etc...

We need love and connection from others.

Whenever we criticize others, no matter how gently, we send them the message that " something is wrong with you and that is unacceptable to me, and when you change I will be more happy in this relationship - and I can't fully accept and love you unless you change" and who in the history of the world has changed another person? Noone.

The more important person to focus on changing in dating is ourselves. In family systems, they see that no matter how dysfunctional a family, when one person makes a major change, it changes the whole family. People respond to one another, and each person responds to a different person, when that person has changed.

The focus of our dating should be in changing ourselves to become more compassionate, more giving.

He then gave the 10 commandments of dating, but I'm exhausted, and need to go get my laundry (hopefully ready) out of the drier.

Now a few of my own thoughts based on what he said:

I think that while people do change, we all need to find someone we want to be with, but kindness is a major part of it, and doing kindness an even more major part. Don't we like people who are kind to us? Like people we are kind to? Who do we let that part of ourselves out with? Do we ever let it out on a date?

As Rabbi Rietti suggested, in dating we should find out what the other person most enjoys doing in life? What they enjoy most about their job? Look for ways to hear about their areas of virtue, kindness, love, affinity, respect, giving. We all have these wonderful things in ourselves.

The point, he said, is we need to focus on who WE are, when difficulties happen, how that creates a situation that can bring out growth within US.

That is not to negate that we need someone who we want to be with, in my opinion.

But how many of us fear rejection to the point that we shy away or don't take risks that could help us? As the book goes "Feel the fear and do it anyway", that is what leads to strength. Because if you give into your fear, your fear will grow stronger.

I was talking to someone after the shiur tonight who mentioned that: The fact that we grew up separate from guys/girls, and many of us don't know how to start talking to one another, which confounds all of the natural apprehension that is already there, is there.

We are all in this same boat together. So take a step. Do something for a guy, or for a girl. Have the courage to look at him or her and smile, to go over and talk. Chances she or he is wanting you to come over as much if not more than you want it. We are all flattered by the attentions of others.

As a guy told me, so many people (yes, guys and girls) are worried they will come across as desparate if they call back too soon, show their interest, etc...but the reality is that it's natural normal and we all want to be close in a relationshiop, and you never know, the other person might want more than anything for you to reach you and say hi.

There's so much more to write, but I am gonna go to sleep.

May you all find someone wonderful to love soon, and be blessed to give to them with love and patience.